Sports

Would you rather suck for 18 years or have Gronkowski on your team?

It is very hard to be a Buffalo sports fan. This year especially, between the Bills and the Sabres, we have to wonder whether curses are actually real or develop conspiracy theories to make sense of it all.

Are the Pegula’s driving both franchises into the ground to punish New York for banning fracking?

We have sucked for a very long time. Any theory holds weight these days.

But through it all, we’ve found reasons to cheer for our teams. The Ryan Fitzpatrick/Fred Jackson Bills sucked. Hard. But they also tried hard. Fred Jackson was the definition of a Buffalonian. The blue collar, hard worker, who earned a ton of respect, but couldn’t carry a team into the playoffs. Those years, when the Bills would win their final 2-3 games of the season to end 6-10 or 7-9 we said, “Hey at least it’s fun to watch and they played spoiler to the Jets!”

Even during the Sabres tank, with Ted Nolan at the helm, we said, “I can respect that they’re playing with heart, even though they gutted all the talent on the team.” (The opposite could be said about the current lineup of blue and gold zombies.)

Now, when the Sabres were good, we certainly had to put up with some douche bags. Tim Connolly… Derek Roy… Gross.

When the Bills were good, Jim Kelly was NOT a good human being.

But despite their personal misgivings, Connolly, Roy and Kelly weren’t pieces of shit on the ice or gridiron, too.

Unlike the 24/7/365 diarrhea hurricane that is Rob Gronkowski.

via GIPHY

Gronk is like the guy whose parents let him throw parties with with a keg in high school. No one really liked him, it was just a place to party. Watching him talk to his teammates on the sidelines, I get the feeling nothing has changed.

“Ah crap, Rob’s coming over to talk to me. Grin and bear it… guy catches a lot of balls.”

After his rookie season, I encountered him on a Sunday afternoon at Mickey Rats (Yeah I was there… whatever it was hot out). While at the bar, hundreds of yards from the water, he donned an oversized hat and an undersized lifejacket. He spent the afternoon eyeballing girls, bumping into people, and then screamed at the top of his lungs “I’M GOING TO DROWN…….. IN BOOZE!”

Ha. Cool bro. College is over btw.

And don’t give me the “He’s a good guy, though! He gives so much money to charity.”

So what? Every NFL player does. Not every NFL player has a 2-year-old’s temper tantrum when they’re outplayed by a rookie.

Tre White owned Gronk on that play and this dildo decided that an interception was worth dropping an atomic elbow on White’s head while he was on the ground.

“Oh but he apologized though.”

Listen to this troglodyte talk, wearing that damn sweater under that pin striped suit, and tell me you think he means it:

“But all that adrenaline going through him in that moment, though!”

He was aware enough to decide to make White’s head his target. There’s not a crisis surrounding brain damage and CTE thanks to concussions at every position in the NFL or anything.

The Patriots were the better team today. They have been for the last 15 years. We’re sort of over it. We include two losses to the Patriots when we calculate the Bills’ chances at the playoffs each year.

Their fans have quickly forgotten that the Pats also sucked ass for 20 years when they rub their current success in the faces of #BillsMafia. Of course we all look at the Patriots’ success with jealousy. But every man, woman and child in the country can rattle off a joke about how the Patriots cheat. If they wrote a book about all the ways the Patriots have been caught or have allegedly cheated in this era, it would have too many pages for Gronk to read.

Their success is tainted. From Belichick and his antics, to Brady, avid Trump supporter, selling bogus TB12 nutrition supplements that have been widely criticized for ignoring science, and now go ahead and throw Gronk into the mix as a cheap shot artist head hunter and you’re left with a stinking pile of mularky that happens to win football games.  

Good for them and their fans.

We’re Buffalo. We’re terrible. Just awful. But as low as we sink in the standings, we can still point to the Patriots and collectively say, “Hell, if we ever start winning, we’ll do it with more class than those assholes.”

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Want Bills coverage that ignores the table cracking, body slammers swimming in mustard in the parking lot and talks about football instead? Check out our podcast, The Hurry Up, on iTunes and Stitcher. Matt Pitarresi breaks down the strategies that, if ever employed, could lead the Bills to a win each Saturday before game day.
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